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Thursday, December 27th, 2007
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I hate this place.
In its entirety.
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Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
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| Time: | 8:43 pm. |
| Mood: |  numb. | | Music: | Missy Higgins - The Special Two. |
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This semester has been so fucked up. Like, really. I thought my classes (a precious combo of molecular bio, organic chemistry, physics, and oral spanish) would be the hardest part, but they seem to be the only thing I've had under control this semester...and I don't really understand why, because I definitely think I could be putting more time and effort into them.
The friend situation was the start of it all. Things were just weird because certain people couldn't get used to the fact that things were different this semester what with all of us living spread out all over campus. That seems to be fine now, which I am SO grateful for.
The boy situation, however, has been a freaking nightmare. At first I felt fine, because I had met someone at home who I thought was a barrel of fun, and turned out to be legit a pathological liar. Needless to say, I ended that shit quick, and don't feel badly about it. Liars never ever stay in my book. Then there was the perpetual loneliness/ridiculously-drunk-on-the-weekends phase. I wasn't used to my hectic schedule yet, and by the time the end of the week approached, I was ready to let loose. And I sure did, now didn't I. A meaningless hookup here, unrequinted feelings there, and my life was suddenly confusing. Then I suddenly got sucked into something that surprised me because I had hoped for last year but came to the conclusion that it would never happen. Welp, it sure did, and I was suddenly burdened with this responsibility that I couldn't have possibly avoided...So I ended that too. Then the most exciting thing happened to me. A beautiful, fun, crazy boy decided that he liked me. Clearly I was head over heels for that shit, and it was the best part of the semester so far...Then, to greatly summarize and omit the upsetting shit, he decided that he wasn't over his last ex and that he felt pressure from people to stay with me, but knew it wasn't right...So that ended suddenly also. Then the nostalgia set in, and I did something stupid; or rather, I semi-accidentally opened old wounds and ended that real quick too.
And now I'm just terribly lonely and wondering what about me wasn't good enough for the one person I had legitimate feelings for in a heck of a long time.
If anything, all this has simply perpetuated my trust issues, and has also made me wary to hit the road and chill in Sturbridge. Yes, I said it. I just need to escape. I'm falling into unhealthy tendencies as well. My eating and sleeping schedules are fucked, and I've been smoking more frequently. Don't worry, I'm not hooked. Just stressed and bored with my life. I need Sturbridge to just reset my emotions I feel, that's all. I need to take 5 days to convince myself that I'm not as lonely as I actually feel right now. And also to stop being so numb. I want to watch ridiculously sad movies and to just cry my eyes out. The only time I feel emotional anymore is when I'm intoxicated. Thaaaat's always healthy and everything...
On top of all this, I'm terribly frustrated with my extra-curriculars,..perhaps with the exception of chorale. The lack of leadership and structure is driving me nuts. Like, NUTS to the point where I'm not sure I want to partake in them anymore because I'm not getting out of them what I want to get out of them. I feel like I need to chair something to bring back my student-council-esque days...just less intensely.
Ugh. Don't get worried though. I just needed to vent a little is all. There. Now I think I feel better.
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Thursday, October 25th, 2007
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I feel like everyone is secretly pissed at me right now.
I can't deal with this right now. I just can't.
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Sunday, September 16th, 2007
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I'm legit a jerk magnet.
No seriously. Men continue and continue to fuck me over in any way possible.
I am SO DONE with every one of them. Cuz I don't fucking deserve this shit.
Done-zo.
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Tuesday, August 28th, 2007
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Everyone except Lindz has left for school already, including my friends from Drew and the most important person to me currently.
And I feel a tremendous sense of loss for some reason.
Postpartum depression?
And Lindz leaves Friday, giving me a solid 2 days of utter solitude here in Sturbridge.
Thaaaat should be interesting...
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Saturday, July 14th, 2007
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I fee like 90% of the people that I know are all talk and no game.
I'm sick of it.
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I feel like this is tacky, but why do men suck?
No seriously. I've just been thinking about it lately.
I feel like even the ones who seem to be compatable with me at the beginning always turn out to be morons, young speddys, or just simply change.
I also really want someone to court me. You know. Old-fashioned "Why hello ma'lady" type shit...except obvi not in the renaissance or something.
Maybe sitting around at home the last week has made me feel like this and all, and maybe I'm just over-analyzing. I just feel like I'm stuck in so many ways. God knows what that means, cuz I sure don't.
I've also been listening to this song on repeat. A lot.
Ugh. Someone smack me in the face or find me a real man or some shit.
Oh wait.
No one reads this anymore anyway except Hannah, and some people who even call me their friends just defriend me and shit.
hahah...riiiight.
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There are so many things that I've always wished I could try or do that I just feel I'll never get accomplished.
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Dear Dad,
You don't want people to know I'm gay. I know. I get it. Stop lying to me.
You know, all I ever wanted from you was the satisfaction of you being proud of me. Asking me to be "discreet" does not show that you support me. So stop telling me that you support me to pacify your own inner troubles. No I will not wear a sweatshirt over my tshirt because it's "too tight" and "screams 'gay'" to you.
I WILL NOT.
I'd rather sit at home while my friends hang out just to show you that I refuse to hide any longer.
Dear Mom,
I'm sorry you still cry yourself to sleep sometimes because you're so worried about me. I'm sorry this has been so painful for you. You're right. I had terrible timing and it was stupid. But it was anything but cowardly. The majority of teen suicides are gay teens. They're the ones that lost their strength, their hope, their bravery, to continue life at all. As far as I'm concerned, I'm one of the brave ones; brave enough to subject myself, and apparently the rest of you, the pain and discomfort of existing. I was terribly depressed. I was suicidal. And I pulled myself out of it single-handedly because I was too afraid to tell anyone what was really wrong.
That is, in too many ways, bravery.
I'm glad you made the point that your good friend from college was brilliant and intelligent but also so militantly gay that he accidently doomed his entire future career. I, however, refuse to let that happen. I can't just continue to keep my life secret in order to "play it safe" when I'm unhappy doing so. Yes, it's risky. But it's not OK to live in a way that I simply don't desire.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Talk to me. You're obviously the ones with the insecurities at this point.
Stop trying to make me feel bad that "there are members of this household who care what the public knows and thinks." Just get it out. Seriously. I've been waiting. You're yet to ask me anything about my currently ex-boyfriend who I had been, until quite recently, dating for 9 months. That offends me.
I've come to grips, now you must too.
Love,
Ian
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Well, it's here. Summer, that is. With graduation/moving out on Saturday, it seems closer than ever.
Yesterday I took a "personal" day. I just feel like college is sometimes...well...too social. I need my alone time, you know? So I actually went into the city by myself...and it was totally fine. I enjoyed it even. I ended up getting a ticket to see The Pirate Queen, which was alarmingly good, except for the fact that the music itself was sometimes anti-climactic. I wandered around all day. Took the metro down to Chelsea where I got rained on. It was OK though. I stopped in various Starbucks and drank, well, various grande-iced-caramel-macchiato-skim-milk-no-whipped-cream-pleases.
I people-watched a lot. And I had my trusty iPod as well. I had hours to kill before the show, so after hitting up Chelsea, I went back to 42nd and ordered an asian salad at McDonald's, just observing. Then, I went back to the metro station and did some more (it was pouring out...i'm not just boring).
I like to think of myself as someone with some sort of hope or faith. But yesterday, sitting in that station in Times Square, looking out the window at all the lights, I thought to myself "You know? The world is steadily declining. And there's really nothing that I can do about it because the common person doesn't seem to notice or care."
I hope that's not bad.
I mean, it's just that no other lifeform has such a complex social structure/uses as many resources as good old Homo sapiens, you know?...well maybe you don't. But anyway, from what I've gathered, it's basically because we have the capacity to do so. Our nervous systems are more advanced, and I think we've reached a bit of a climax with being able to consciously analyze thought and made decisions (rather than using "programmed" reflexes to defend ourselves, which is the purpose of the nervous system in it's primitive form).
So isn't it funny that nature itself has created all this? All the skyscrapers? The fashion "dos" and "don'ts"? ..and yet it will be the demise of an entire planet, which only developed in this way due to a miraculous chance? I just think it ironic that nature will destroy itself (and probably start over again for that matter).
I've battled with this idea all year, I think, but now it seems to be clear to me. What can possibly not be "natural?"...no seriously. Ask yourself. The things that we consider "manufactured" or "synthesized" are produced by a living organism. So how can that not be natural? Are we as humans so seperated from the rest of Life that we don't consider ourselves "nature" anymore? And if we are a part of nature, than everything we do must therefore be natural.
And all that from the shithole that is the Times Square metro station.
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Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
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Which Genny are you?
IanIn the words of Kelly from shoes, "stupid boy." You are the only boy GENNY, and can appreciate them too. You are naturally tan, blonde, and have a mother who frequently yells at you for talking to the dogs. One day, your Spanish Speaking skills will take you into a life of dedicated work for animals. You are a natural leader, and pretty darn stylish too. Your wine keeps you classy, and your spedo keeps you trashy. You are smart, concerned, and a skilled interpretive dancer. With an amazing sense of humor and self, you are bound for great things...unless you die of a disease overseas. Then you are not.You dont have a Genny letter, but that makes you even more special. You are precious and beloved. Awwww.
Take this quiz!
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well go figure.
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Friday, October 20th, 2006
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ok so:
+ missy and i get on the train, go to nyc
+ went to toys r us and went on the ferris wheel (almost got the my little pony cart!!!)
+ hit up the candy land in it and got tons of sweet shit.
+ went by abc studios and see kate winslet being interviewed
+ we acted out titanic for her: i leaned up against the window of the studio as if i were "flying" and missy held my hips like she was jack
+ THEN we went to the gershwin early to get in line for the lottery
+ we stumbled upon ANA GASTEYER, the new Elphaba and former Saturday Night Live star (amoung other things).
+ i got tots excited and her assistant was laughing at me
+ we were all drinking starbucks and ana was all "we're like a starbucks commercial. ha ha ha haaa"
+ and we were all "OMGZ NO WORDZ"
+ we took a pic and i have posted it.
+ we lost the lottery so we scored row c front mezzanine ticks to hairspray
+ fucking loved it: haylie duff and diana digarmo were in it (and i fucking loved diana digarmo)
+ came home and planned out our reading days weekend
fin. i think.
( and then there was ANA )
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Monday, October 16th, 2006
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| Subject: | ok so |
| Time: | 11:47 pm. |
| Mood: |  cheerful. | | Music: | crosby stills & nash - southern cross. |
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don't be disappointed.
i didn't tell my parents.
it just never seemed like the right moment.
thus i have declared that thanksgiving break (my plan all along) will be the day
and that way rene will be there too
anyways, i find myself quite happy lately.
most of this, i must admit, has occurred through spending my free time with sir benjamin levine.
yes it's true.
i am tots into him.
:D what a cutie.
but anyways, i recently also came to the conclusion that i love love love chorale.
i'm so glad i auditioned/actually got in.
and i plan on auditioning for All of the Above next semester too
to get my a cappella fix haha
i like love where i am as well ps.
tots the right place for ian.
i def do miss my friendies from tanty though. i was printing pics to post all over my room and laughed so hard it was wicked fun.
but i miss them in a good way, so it's all good.
:D love you allll
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Friday, October 13th, 2006
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so here i am.
parents and brendan are stuck in a little bit of traffic and it seems like i've wasted a day just waiting for them.
i can't decide whether or not i'm necessarily excited to see them.
i may just be antsy, knowing i have plans later and want to get it over with.
or maybe i just want to see them.
i just hope nothing turns nasty. i would love love love to just have a pleasant time with them.
if i get the slightest clue of frustration though, i may just burst into tears.
they tend to flip out over the simplest things and get angry at each other easily.
even when i'm not involved, it spoils my life, essentially.
but what worries me most about that happening
is that i'll probably be forced to continue to procrastinate the issue that has been at hand all my life.
i just want them to know.
and i really hope they just want to see me, rather than simply feel obligated to come to parents weekend.
because that's the feeling i've received from them all my life.
please please please don't screw this up.
please.
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Thursday, October 12th, 2006
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this is ridiculous
worst lab ever
filled with confusion and error
i feel like i am taking crazy pills
but anyway, i am going to tons of good shit tonight
love it
-end pathetic entry-
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Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
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( a little something )
i haven't posted in here in a loooooooooong tiiiiiiiime
but i just saw this and thought it appropriate for Coming Out Day.
I also can't wait for support group tomorrow. I feel chatty.
EDIT: ( oh yeah and this too )
by the way, these are the people who live in my community back in massachusetts, for those of you from drew.
un-freakin-believable
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SHUT THE FUCK UP JOSH CROKE.
YOU'RE DUMB AS FUCKING ROCKS.
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Saturday, July 15th, 2006
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ianischester's journal
cold.
pensive.
confused.