Current mood:	numb
Current music:	Missy Higgins - The Special Two

This semester has been so fucked up. Like, really. I thought my classes (a precious combo of molecular bio, organic chemistry, physics, and oral spanish) would be the hardest part, but they seem to be the only thing I've had under control this semester...and I don't really understand why, because I definitely think I could be putting more time and effort into them.

The friend situation was the start of it all. Things were just weird because certain people couldn't get used to the fact that things were different this semester what with all of us living spread out all over campus. That seems to be fine now, which I am SO grateful for.

The boy situation, however, has been a freaking nightmare. At first I felt fine, because I had met someone at home who I thought was a barrel of fun, and turned out to be legit a pathological liar. Needless to say, I ended that shit quick, and don't feel badly about it. Liars never ever stay in my book. Then there was the perpetual loneliness/ridiculously-drunk-on-the-weekends phase. I wasn't used to my hectic schedule yet, and by the time the end of the week approached, I was ready to let loose. And I sure did, now didn't I. A meaningless hookup here, unrequinted feelings there, and my life was suddenly confusing. Then I suddenly got sucked into something that surprised me because I had hoped for last year but came to the conclusion that it would never happen. Welp, it sure did, and I was suddenly burdened with this responsibility that I couldn't have possibly avoided...So I ended that too. Then the most exciting thing happened to me. A beautiful, fun, crazy boy decided that he liked me. Clearly I was head over heels for that shit, and it was the best part of the semester so far...Then, to greatly summarize and omit the upsetting shit, he decided that he wasn't over his last ex and that he felt pressure from people to stay with me, but knew it wasn't right...So that ended suddenly also. Then the nostalgia set in, and I did something stupid; or rather, I semi-accidentally opened old wounds and ended that real quick too.

And now I'm just terribly lonely and wondering what about me wasn't good enough for the one person I had legitimate feelings for in a heck of a long time.

If anything, all this has simply perpetuated my trust issues, and has also made me wary to hit the road and chill in Sturbridge. Yes, I said it. I just need to escape. I'm falling into unhealthy tendencies as well. My eating and sleeping schedules are fucked, and I've been smoking more frequently. Don't worry, I'm not hooked. Just stressed and bored with my life. I need Sturbridge to just reset my emotions I feel, that's all. I need to take 5 days to convince myself that I'm not as lonely as I actually feel right now. And also to stop being so numb. I want to watch ridiculously sad movies and to just cry my eyes out. The only time I feel emotional anymore is when I'm intoxicated. Thaaaat's always healthy and everything...

On top of all this, I'm terribly frustrated with my extra-curriculars,..perhaps with the exception of chorale. The lack of leadership and structure is driving me nuts. Like, NUTS to the point where I'm not sure I want to partake in them anymore because I'm not getting out of them what I want to get out of them. I feel like I need to chair something to bring back my student-council-esque days...just less intensely.

Ugh. Don't get worried though. I just needed to vent a little is all. There. Now I think I feel better.