i'm learnin' to fly, but i ain't got wings

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 00:04:06 GMT

I hate this place.

In its entirety.

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 01:58:14 GMT

This semester has been so fucked up. Like, really. I thought my classes (a precious combo of molecular bio, organic chemistry, physics, and oral spanish) would be the hardest part, but they seem to be the only thing I've had under control this semester...and I don't really understand why, because I definitely think I could be putting more time and effort into them.

The friend situation was the start of it all. Things were just weird because certain people couldn't get used to the fact that things were different this semester what with all of us living spread out all over campus. That seems to be fine now, which I am SO grateful for.

The boy situation, however, has been a freaking nightmare. At first I felt fine, because I had met someone at home who I thought was a barrel of fun, and turned out to be legit a pathological liar. Needless to say, I ended that shit quick, and don't feel badly about it. Liars never ever stay in my book. Then there was the perpetual loneliness/ridiculously-drunk-on-the-weekends phase. I wasn't used to my hectic schedule yet, and by the time the end of the week approached, I was ready to let loose. And I sure did, now didn't I. A meaningless hookup here, unrequinted feelings there, and my life was suddenly confusing. Then I suddenly got sucked into something that surprised me because I had hoped for last year but came to the conclusion that it would never happen. Welp, it sure did, and I was suddenly burdened with this responsibility that I couldn't have possibly avoided...So I ended that too. Then the most exciting thing happened to me. A beautiful, fun, crazy boy decided that he liked me. Clearly I was head over heels for that shit, and it was the best part of the semester so far...Then, to greatly summarize and omit the upsetting shit, he decided that he wasn't over his last ex and that he felt pressure from people to stay with me, but knew it wasn't right...So that ended suddenly also. Then the nostalgia set in, and I did something stupid; or rather, I semi-accidentally opened old wounds and ended that real quick too.

And now I'm just terribly lonely and wondering what about me wasn't good enough for the one person I had legitimate feelings for in a heck of a long time.

If anything, all this has simply perpetuated my trust issues, and has also made me wary to hit the road and chill in Sturbridge. Yes, I said it. I just need to escape. I'm falling into unhealthy tendencies as well. My eating and sleeping schedules are fucked, and I've been smoking more frequently. Don't worry, I'm not hooked. Just stressed and bored with my life. I need Sturbridge to just reset my emotions I feel, that's all. I need to take 5 days to convince myself that I'm not as lonely as I actually feel right now. And also to stop being so numb. I want to watch ridiculously sad movies and to just cry my eyes out. The only time I feel emotional anymore is when I'm intoxicated. Thaaaat's always healthy and everything...

On top of all this, I'm terribly frustrated with my extra-curriculars,..perhaps with the exception of chorale. The lack of leadership and structure is driving me nuts. Like, NUTS to the point where I'm not sure I want to partake in them anymore because I'm not getting out of them what I want to get out of them. I feel like I need to chair something to bring back my student-council-esque days...just less intensely.

Ugh. Don't get worried though. I just needed to vent a little is all. There. Now I think I feel better.

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 22:56:51 GMT

I feel like everyone is secretly pissed at me right now.

I can't deal with this right now. I just can't.

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 03:15:09 GMT

I'm legit a jerk magnet.

No seriously. Men continue and continue to fuck me over in any way possible.

I am SO DONE with every one of them. Cuz I don't fucking deserve this shit.

Done-zo.

fall is here.

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 17:26:07 GMT

Everyone except Lindz has left for school already, including my friends from Drew and the most important person to me currently.

And I feel a tremendous sense of loss for some reason.

Postpartum depression?

And Lindz leaves Friday, giving me a solid 2 days of utter solitude here in Sturbridge.
Thaaaat should be interesting...

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 19:04:17 GMT

I fee like 90% of the people that I know are all talk and no game.

I'm sick of it.

I swear I have poor circulation because I don't eat meat.

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 19:29:52 GMT

I feel like this is tacky, but why do men suck?
No seriously. I've just been thinking about it lately.
I feel like even the ones who seem to be compatable with me at the beginning always turn out to be morons, young speddys, or just simply change.
I also really want someone to court me. You know. Old-fashioned "Why hello ma'lady" type shit...except obvi not in the renaissance or something.
Maybe sitting around at home the last week has made me feel like this and all, and maybe I'm just over-analyzing. I just feel like I'm stuck in so many ways. God knows what that means, cuz I sure don't.
I've also been listening to this song on repeat. A lot.

Ugh. Someone smack me in the face or find me a real man or some shit.
Oh wait.
No one reads this anymore anyway except Hannah, and some people who even call me their friends just defriend me and shit.
hahah...riiiight.

I think I really just peed a few drops...

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 15:17:42 GMT

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 19:38:11 GMT

There are so many things that I've always wished I could try or do that I just feel I'll never get accomplished.

Tue, 29 May 2007 01:32:19 GMT

Dear Dad,

You don't want people to know I'm gay. I know. I get it. Stop lying to me.

You know, all I ever wanted from you was the satisfaction of you being proud of me. Asking me to be "discreet" does not show that you support me. So stop telling me that you support me to pacify your own inner troubles. No I will not wear a sweatshirt over my tshirt because it's "too tight" and "screams 'gay'" to you.

I WILL NOT.

I'd rather sit at home while my friends hang out just to show you that I refuse to hide any longer.

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry you still cry yourself to sleep sometimes because you're so worried about me. I'm sorry this has been so painful for you. You're right. I had terrible timing and it was stupid. But it was anything but cowardly. The majority of teen suicides are gay teens. They're the ones that lost their strength, their hope, their bravery, to continue life at all. As far as I'm concerned, I'm one of the brave ones; brave enough to subject myself, and apparently the rest of you, the pain and discomfort of existing. I was terribly depressed. I was suicidal. And I pulled myself out of it single-handedly because I was too afraid to tell anyone what was really wrong.

That is, in too many ways, bravery.

I'm glad you made the point that your good friend from college was brilliant and intelligent but also so militantly gay that he accidently doomed his entire future career. I, however, refuse to let that happen. I can't just continue to keep my life secret in order to "play it safe" when I'm unhappy doing so. Yes, it's risky. But it's not OK to live in a way that I simply don't desire.

Dear Mom and Dad,

Talk to me. You're obviously the ones with the insecurities at this point.
Stop trying to make me feel bad that "there are members of this household who care what the public knows and thinks." Just get it out. Seriously. I've been waiting. You're yet to ask me anything about my currently ex-boyfriend who I had been, until quite recently, dating for 9 months. That offends me.

I've come to grips, now you must too.

Love,

Ian

Another year gone.

Thu, 17 May 2007 22:31:16 GMT

Well, it's here. Summer, that is. With graduation/moving out on Saturday, it seems closer than ever.

Yesterday I took a "personal" day. I just feel like college is sometimes...well...too social. I need my alone time, you know? So I actually went into the city by myself...and it was totally fine. I enjoyed it even. I ended up getting a ticket to see The Pirate Queen, which was alarmingly good, except for the fact that the music itself was sometimes anti-climactic. I wandered around all day. Took the metro down to Chelsea where I got rained on. It was OK though. I stopped in various Starbucks and drank, well, various grande-iced-caramel-macchiato-skim-milk-no-whipped-cream-pleases.
I people-watched a lot. And I had my trusty iPod as well. I had hours to kill before the show, so after hitting up Chelsea, I went back to 42nd and ordered an asian salad at McDonald's, just observing. Then, I went back to the metro station and did some more (it was pouring out...i'm not just boring).
I like to think of myself as someone with some sort of hope or faith. But yesterday, sitting in that station in Times Square, looking out the window at all the lights, I thought to myself "You know? The world is steadily declining. And there's really nothing that I can do about it because the common person doesn't seem to notice or care."
I hope that's not bad.
I mean, it's just that no other lifeform has such a complex social structure/uses as many resources as good old Homo sapiens, you know?...well maybe you don't. But anyway, from what I've gathered, it's basically because we have the capacity to do so. Our nervous systems are more advanced, and I think we've reached a bit of a climax with being able to consciously analyze thought and made decisions (rather than using "programmed" reflexes to defend ourselves, which is the purpose of the nervous system in it's primitive form).
So isn't it funny that nature itself has created all this? All the skyscrapers? The fashion "dos" and "don'ts"? ..and yet it will be the demise of an entire planet, which only developed in this way due to a miraculous chance? I just think it ironic that nature will destroy itself (and probably start over again for that matter).
I've battled with this idea all year, I think, but now it seems to be clear to me. What can possibly not be "natural?"...no seriously. Ask yourself. The things that we consider "manufactured" or "synthesized" are produced by a living organism. So how can that not be natural? Are we as humans so seperated from the rest of Life that we don't consider ourselves "nature" anymore? And if we are a part of nature, than everything we do must therefore be natural.

And all that from the shithole that is the Times Square metro station.

harharrharrrr

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 15:00:17 GMT

Which Genny are you?

IanIn the words of Kelly from shoes, "stupid boy." You are the only boy GENNY, and can appreciate them too. You are naturally tan, blonde, and have a mother who frequently yells at you for talking to the dogs. One day, your Spanish Speaking skills will take you into a life of dedicated work for animals. You are a natural leader, and pretty darn stylish too. Your wine keeps you classy, and your spedo keeps you trashy. You are smart, concerned, and a skilled interpretive dancer. With an amazing sense of humor and self, you are bound for great things...unless you die of a disease overseas. Then you are not.You dont have a Genny letter, but that makes you even more special. You are precious and beloved. Awwww.
Take this quiz!

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| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

well go figure.

Relay for Life

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 02:51:51 GMT

Hey all.

I'm walking in Relay for Life with my a capella group this weekend, and I just found out that you can get donations online. Sooooooooo..

go here:
https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=213826&lis=0&kntae213826=82075360B8674290A8DF68ADC4DFA481

to contribute.

1. I'm cute :D
2. I hate cancer.
3. You hate cancer.
4. I'm sassy.
5. BECAUSE I SAY SO

<333

BEST DAY EVERRR

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 05:11:13 GMT

ok so:
+ missy and i get on the train, go to nyc
+ went to toys r us and went on the ferris wheel (almost got the my little pony cart!!!)
+ hit up the candy land in it and got tons of sweet shit.
+ went by abc studios and see kate winslet being interviewed
+ we acted out titanic for her: i leaned up against the window of the studio as if i were "flying" and missy held my hips like she was jack
+ THEN we went to the gershwin early to get in line for the lottery
+ we stumbled upon ANA GASTEYER, the new Elphaba and former Saturday Night Live star (amoung other things).
+ i got tots excited and her assistant was laughing at me
+ we were all drinking starbucks and ana was all "we're like a starbucks commercial. ha ha ha haaa"
+ and we were all "OMGZ NO WORDZ"
+ we took a pic and i have posted it.
+ we lost the lottery so we scored row c front mezzanine ticks to hairspray
+ fucking loved it: haylie duff and diana digarmo were in it (and i fucking loved diana digarmo)
+ came home and planned out our reading days weekend

fin. i think.

ps my bangs look busted
don't hate

ok so

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 23:55:54 GMT

don't be disappointed.
i didn't tell my parents.
it just never seemed like the right moment.
thus i have declared that thanksgiving break (my plan all along) will be the day
and that way rene will be there too

anyways, i find myself quite happy lately.
most of this, i must admit, has occurred through spending my free time with sir benjamin levine.
yes it's true.
i am tots into him.
:D what a cutie.

but anyways, i recently also came to the conclusion that i love love love chorale.
i'm so glad i auditioned/actually got in.
and i plan on auditioning for All of the Above next semester too
to get my a cappella fix haha

i ~~like~~ love where i am as well ps.
tots the right place for ian.
i def do miss my friendies from tanty though. i was printing pics to post all over my room and laughed so hard it was wicked fun.
but i miss them in a good way, so it's all good.

:D love you allll

patiently waiting

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 22:41:28 GMT

so here i am.
parents and brendan are stuck in a little bit of traffic and it seems like i've wasted a day just waiting for them.
i can't decide whether or not i'm necessarily excited to see them.
i may just be antsy, knowing i have plans later and want to get it over with.
or maybe i just want to see them.
i just hope nothing turns nasty. i would love love love to just have a pleasant time with them.
if i get the slightest clue of frustration though, i may just burst into tears.
they tend to flip out over the simplest things and get angry at each other easily.
even when i'm not involved, it spoils my life, essentially.
but what worries me most about that happening
is that i'll probably be forced to continue to procrastinate the issue that has been at hand all my life.
i just want them to know.
and i really hope they just want to see me, rather than simply feel obligated to come to parents weekend.
because that's the feeling i've received from them all my life.

please please please don't screw this up.
please.

chem lab

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 18:49:19 GMT

this is ridiculous
worst lab ever
filled with confusion and error

i feel like i am taking crazy pills

but anyway, i am going to tons of good shit tonight
love it

-end pathetic entry-

are these not ridiculous?

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 20:14:39 GMT

from: http://engagingyourworld.blogspot.com/

Thursday, September 28, 2006
STAND UP YOUNG MAN!

In the unbelievable trends department, a school district in Norway is instructing boys to sit when they go to the bathroom, when they would normally stand. The rational from the school is that they are not "good aimers" and it is better for all if they sit like the girls do. While this might seem to be a good line of reasoning in the clean department, since in this school both boys and girls use the same facility, there is something else significant happening. It is another line that is being erased between the difference of males and females. Wouldn't the better solution be to make sure the boys clean up after themselves?

What this is saying is that the answer for the issue is to make them be more like girls in their private time. This is sending a very wrong message to young men who frankly in our day and age are being encouraged to question their sexuality early on. It is rulings like this that lead young people to the conclusion that there really is no difference between the genders. When this happens the door is open to every perversion known to man, and it is the children that pay the price. It will be interesting to watch and see just how long it takes this new phenomenon to reach our shores, and when it does I hope we all will stand for the right of boys to stand!

blog you later,
pastor tom

posted by Pastor Tom | 6:11 PM

i haven't posted in here in a loooooooooong tiiiiiiiime
but i just saw this and thought it appropriate for Coming Out Day.
I also can't wait for support group tomorrow. I feel chatty.

EDIT:
ROSIE AND AIR AMERICA, A DAILY DOUBLE!

I have never seen the show "The View", but I do know that Rosie O' Donnell is the newest member of the panel. It did not take her long at all to display the ignorant bias that makes up her worldview. Yesterday on the show reportedly she made the following statement;

"Radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America where we have separation of church and state."

While there is not enough time and space to expose all the ignorance in such a statement, there are some things worth considering. First of all why should anyone be surprised? It is not like her views are not known, she is an avowed left wing liberal lesbian who despises anything or anyone who would call her actions into account. Second, the sad truth is that there are many people who will believe her position to be true simply because of her celebrity status. Because they liked her talk show they will subscribe to her worldview. I am always amazed at how people believe if you are a talented performer that somehow equates to being politically savvy. The truth is that Rosie had a tragic childhood where she was abused and that is why she like so many others got caught up in the homosexual lifestyle. She should be in our prayers that she would receive Jesus Christ as her Savior and be set free from the sins that grip her.

Along the same lines as far as ideology,news today is that Air America Radio is expected to file reorganization bankruptcy on Friday. The extreme left radio network cannot draw listeners. It seems that the majority of Americans are smart enough to figure out that hosts like Al Franken are not worth their listening time. I would like to say I will miss the shows once they are done once and for all, which eventually they will be, but I, like millions of others simply do not listen.

blog you later,
pastor tom

posted by Pastor Tom | 5:36 PM

Monday, September 11, 2006
UNSUNG HEROES!

Incredibly it has already been five years since the tragedy that was 9/11/01. A day that will live in infamy in the history of our country and the world. It was a day that families were drawn back together. A day where, for a moment, the priorities of people were correct. As people remember, there have been many stories of heroism and sacrifice, but one of the most inspiring came from a guest on my radio show last week. Leslie Haskins was someone who worked on the 36th floor of Tower one. That is where she was when the first plane hit. In her book she recounts the journey out of the building as well as her journey to faith in Christ.

One thing not in the book that I asked her about was did she encounter any believers in Christ on the way down thirty six floors? Her answer was heart warming. She said she remembers thinking that everyone was panicking except the Christians. In the midst of sheer madness it was the believers in Christ who were praying, quoting Scripture and comforting others. Knowing their death was imminent, the Lords people went into action and began to minister for the glory of God. How awesome to know that while we all watched pictures of two burning buildings from the outside, God was working through His people on the inside. While most people were running out of the buildings, heroic firefighters, policeman and believers in Christ were staying inside! We have heard of the heroism of the firefighters and police, but rarely have we heard of the heroism of His people. And isn't that always the way it is with our Lord, seeking to serve and not be served! May God bless and comfort all those who remember and mourn on this day.

blog you later,
pastor tom
www.engagingyourworld.com

posted by Pastor Tom | 6:39 PM

Tuesday, August 29, 2006
SB1441!

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed bill SB1441! Which probably means nothing to you until you understand what this means. According to the wires, "The governor yesterday signed a bill that would require all businesses and groups receiving state funding -- even if it's a state grant for a student -- to condone homosexuality, bisexuality and transsexuality. There is no exception for faith-based organizations or business owners with sincerely held religious convictions, critics note"

In other words there will be no state funding until or unless such behavior is condoned, and if your institution does not condone such behavior, then students will also not be able to get state funding to attend. This is a major development and a huge move towards the criminalizing of speaking of homosexuality and the rest as Gods Word would define them. It is adding to the list of protected classes sexual behavior, which is an absurd idea that is fast becoming a reality in our country. Soon we will be like Canada which has tribunals that deal with the crime of calling homosexuality a sin!

The days are fast approaching where real persecution will no longer be something we talk about as happening on the other side of the world. Rather it will be the reality of our lives. The question becomes will we be ready to stand for Gods Word when it happens to us?

blog you later,
pastor tom
www.letsvote.org

posted by Pastor Tom | 7:50 PM

Tuesday, August 22, 2006
YOUR TAX DOLLARS ON DISPLAY, PARADE STYLE!

It is good to be back from vacation, so lets get right to it. In San Diego there was a Gay Pride parade recently. Nothing new there, the usual things you see in such a parade, as reported from the wires; "a number of businesses promoting pornography and nearly nude men and women in graphic sexualized demonstrations, a
man who marched down the street giving out goodies while only wearing a g-string,a car filled with men that advertised for RentBoy, a male escort service." That gives you the idea of what was seen and who was involved in the event. But amazingly there was another group there with their own banner, The San Diego Co-operative Charter School! That is correct, and not only were their parents and teachers there marching in the parade, there were also elementary age school children.

The message is clear and the indoctrination continues. The homosexual movement has gotten to the point of having schools funded by public funds marching in their parades. A few things come to mind, first what would the possibility of a public school lending their banners and people to a Christian event? You know the answer as well as I do. But also this reminds us again of the culture war we are in, and it is up to the believers to be in this battle. For those of you in Massachusetts there is a battle for the ballot box, the ability to vote on a definition of marriage. If the vote goes as every other state that had had the oportunity to vote, there will as of 2008-2009 no longer be legalized gay marriage in this state. There are politicians who are working against your right to vote, as I have stated before, I have begun a Political Action Committee designed to take donations up to 500.00 that will be used to work to put some of those politicians out of office and make the statement that we expect the right to vote to be upheld. Well now is the time, you can now make donations online. We have about a two months to garner as much as possible to put to use. So if you want to engage in this cultural war one way is to go to www.letsvote.org and donate. I am convinced we must do all we can and along with prayer, there is the putting the feet to our prayers, and in this arena that means money. If we sit back and are idle, it will not be very long before your child's school will be marching with their banner in the local Gay Pride Parade, and who knows by then your child might want to be in the parade with the rest of his or her friends!

blog you later,
pastor tom
www.letsvote.org

posted by Pastor Tom | 12:15 PM

by the way, these are the people who live in my community back in massachusetts, for those of you from drew.
un-freakin-believable

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 23:06:08 GMT

SHUT THE FUCK UP JOSH CROKE.

YOU'RE DUMB AS FUCKING ROCKS.

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 20:25:25 GMT

i'm lonely.

now that i haven't updated in almost a month....

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 01:39:21 GMT

can't stress it enough.
this past month has been an enormous up-and-down situation
a landslide of emotions if you will.
i don't even know where to start!

i guess it's just scary how high school has come full circle.
florida was amazing/edifying...in positive and negative ways....well...positive and neutral ways....nothing was really quite negative.

but YOU. ugh for christ's sake. every time i look into your eyes you seriously just take me. i just can't do it anymore. i need college ASAP.

i feel like this is all i ever post about anymore (in the rare occasion that i do).

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 02:52:30 GMT

how quickly one can be thrown into a nasty mood.

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 23:20:41 GMT

so if you care to find me
look to the western sky
as someone told me lately
everyone deserves a chance to fly

i've decided i want the end of this year to be a forgiving one. i'm a forgiving person. i always have been. i just suddenly feel like i really have no qualms (sp?) with anyone.

all in all,
I JUUUST WANNA BE FRIIIIIENDDSSSS
<3

time for an update

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 03:32:51 GMT

so i told me coach what was up.
and i think she knew it was coming.
she took it very well.
and.
i'm going to practice a few times a week until the end of the bay state season on march 17th...half of which i'll be missing for various reasons anyway so it's an ok compromise.

i bought rent yesterday and have restrained myself from watching it until tomorrow night at kelsey's. i'm pumped.

les mis was wonderful. we were a bit dissappointed in some of the characters but overall i'm wicked glad i went. my first musical yay =D
umm 'cept tickets to wicked are sold out ='( fuck.

vacation = all i ever waaanted haha
umm so yeah.

lately...

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 05:03:33 GMT

some things are winding down.
high school season, for one. our league meet was strange....surreal really. i just couldn't believe that it was my last tanty high home meet EVER....EVER. it's just so mind-boggling. just goes to show just how close college really is. this year was the best, by the way. the most fun, i'd have to say. probs cuz mb and i are insane as captains but i think the team appreciates it (cept stinky lindsay holmes...mmmhm. lowwww blowwwwww. heh). but we still have sectionals next weekend.

i swam for my other team today at wheaton college (which i applied to as a safety school) andddd i did the 1650, which is basically one mile (alllmost). a real mile is about 1760, but they call the 1650 "the mile" nonetheless. i just don't know how to tell my coach that i don't want to swim for these last few months. because i really don't know what i want to do with my extra time. maybe just chill, maybe pursue something else. but with no solid ideas i can't tell her just yet. ugh. it's gonna be hard. bssc has been my life for like...almost 4 years. ugh.

things are weird lately. between me and other people i guess. no problems or drama really, but just...weird. i don't know how to describe it...maybe the realization that we're all going to be leaving is the core issue here. but i just don't know how to express the feeling. i'm not even sure if it's positive or negative, really.

i am OBSESSED with WICKED. and i AM going to go see it in boston if i have to go by myself. i don't care. it'll be spectacular. i'm already thoroughly versed in les mis and rent, and i just feel like wicked is those two combined plus some more fun and such. it's just so enjoyable.

anyway, i'm rambling, and no one reads this anymore. so i should chill.